Looney Bin.

I suspect I belong in the looney bin.

I am writing to tell you this in the dark.
It is 1:00 a.m. ... I saw sparks.
Blazing, fiery yellow ribs of light that go on for eternity flood my dreams.
Each note in the music is like a romantic slow dance in my ears- no bible between me and the one I love.
Cold, wet, and foreign on my lips. I walk. What stops me from walking out into the moonlight? The ribs of light turn red. They taunt and tease me- for to them, I am an insignificant feminine purple rose.
I say,
"I create what I want."
You survive on what you have left. Where did you go, and what color consumes you now?
Frost.
It comes up, but not enough. I want it out for good.
I admire those who do it often- for my heart breaks and my dilligence turns my core inside out until all I have left are my organs. Everyone can see. Finally, you can see.
I am vulnerable and you-
You're unsure. You're afraid.
Does blood count when it's less than half alike? Thoughts woosh past faster than my memory computes. Purple face. Hot glue and layers. Surely this will be a success, a romantic piece of art. The honor of an artist's mind. An artist's mind.
My ego and I want tangible proof that these nightmares do not exist.
Stepping out of this space, I look up to see
Only beautiful walls- decorated to captivate your mind, the secret of home. Everything in its rightful place. Surely she's sane, you say.
If my purse got hungry and ate its contents, I would not cry.
It's simple.
Become at peace with solitude.
Black Universe, purple clouds, sweet heavenly matter.
One set of light. Infinite ribs of purple. I connect to you- and you are source. You quiet my mind and remind it that it is a tool for my heart. I listen... and you say "Sometimes silence is the key."
I agree.
And then I wonder... what soundtrack would support this silence?
I relax into the vibration of the violet moonlight.
I saw sparks.

Workin' it.... Workin' it out....

I MUST have purpose.

For those of you who are not familiar with The Work by Byron Katie, I highly recommend going to http://www.thework.com/ and learning more. I was first introduced to The Work when I attended a Women's training at Great Life. It has become a staple in my everyday growth, though I know that it may take me YEARS to master. It is being present. It's about being truth. It's about recognizing reality. It is about whatever I make it for me.

When I worked in the nursing field I remember always feeling like I was making a difference. My patients depended on me to nurture them- both emotionally and physically. Some people can't comprehend how much I love working with Alzheimers and Dementia patients, but to me they are so amazing. I became really good at knowing what they needed/wanted, when they needed/wanted it, and what they meant when they stuttered and stumbled on their thoughts. I miss the feeling of my job being so natural to me.

Today, I expressed the concern that I don't feel as though I am making a difference in this job to one of my bosses who in turn asked me "What's your purpose?"

uhhhh.................................................................

Apparently it's time to do The Work on my purpose. I may be busy for awhile.

Here's what I know. (you'll come to learn through the work that what you think you "know" may not be the truth for you... so here's what I know that I may not really know.)

• I know that I want to make more money. (Am I attached to money? do I need more money? is that true?)
• I want to work less hours. (This one I am pretty sure is true. who doesn't want to work less!!)
• I want to feel like I am making a difference. ( Do i NEED to make a difference? Is that true? What is that about and who do I really care about making a difference to?)

The Work is about constant self-inquiry. Through question, you get to the truth. I swear, I could do The Work forever and never be done. In truth, it's almost an overwhelming task to me.... is that true? Will I really be overwhelmed, and can I absolutely know that to be true?

NOPE.

The Fam-Damily

It occurred to me today how grateful I am for my family. The last 5 years have been a very trying time for us, however we have adjusted in such a sweet, sweet way! We had a few new additions:

River and Amelia.

Timmy and Micah.


Everyone has adapted so well to them, I had no idea my brothers were so good with babies!




There have also been some struggles. My Grandma, Unkie, and Unkie's son Ryan passed away. This was devastating for many of us. The three of them seemed to be the rock of our family and it was confusing and scary when each of them passed. I often wondered what would happen to our family after that... how we would carry on- how we could carry on their loving, giving, compassionate, honorable, radiant, honest spirits. I felt empty after Ryan died, as there was not much time to share and listen to stories about his life after the funeral last month. My mom called yesterday and told me that a lot of my family felt the same way, so we are having a party this weekend at my uncle Dana's house to tell stories and love-on Ryan's spirit :o)

Jess and I have had some fun times this year, but not as many as I would like. I still remember when we were little I used to snuggle up to her and the scent of her skin was intoxicating. It smells like the sweetest flowers mixed with her nurturing radiance. It would instantly put me in a trans and then I would fall asleep and throw up bean and bacon soup all over her. bwahahah. jk that's really gross... sorry jess :o)





Jess is easily my best friend. I know that she'll always be there for me and, although she doesn't take my side 100% of the time I know that she has my best interest at heart. I am able to be myself around her and we have so much fun. I can be a dork and she doesnt judge me because she is JUST as dorky... if not more. Readers: if you doubt this, please refer to her facebook page where she posted the SNL video Body Fuzion. It is a must see.









I can't wait for my buddy Sara Haslem to come home from her Hollywood adventures. My heart aches for her often.

I am working on expanding my circle. Great Life has really assisted with this... sometimes I wish people weren't so stuffy and miserable. And then I laugh because I realize that I'm like that most of the time.

Goal for the day: START A FUNNY CONVERSATION WITH A STRANGER.

ooooooh I almost forgot! A cute boy who is in law school came into my office today to talk investments with my boss and he asked me out!!!! :o) eeee!!!! I NEVER get asked out anymore, it's so refreshing!



On that note... have a good weekend :o)

Old Maid.

Apparently I'm an "Old Maid".

As I walked through the American Fork WalMart today in search of a George Forman Grill for my new diet, I realized that I was getting dirty looks. I had opted out of grabbing a cart on my way in, so with arms full of lemons, chicken, spices, and the grill, I attempted to look down at myself to see what I was wearing. Surely that would be the cause of the staring. Shoes? Check. Pants? Check. Shirt? Check.... Bra?? ...Check. What the hell were they looking at? I quickly scurried over to a mirror and checked my teeth. Nothing. My hair was a little crazy but nothing too bad. I turned around to see if I had a sign on my back. Nothing. As I turned to walk away, the chicken and the grill slipped out of my arms and fell on the ground. Embarrassed and frantic, I hurried to gather the items. Smooth move, Sara. What'd you gargle with, peanut butter?

Just then the most ATTRACTIVE man I have EVER met (who knew he'd be at the WalMart in A.F.!) leaned down and picked up the grill. He looked me square in the eyes and said, "Too bad you don't have a husband to help you carry all this stuff." HORRIFIED, I looked down at his left hand to find a classic dark Tungsten wedding band settled smugly on his ring finger. My eyes darted back up to his face and without even thinking, I said "Too bad your wife makes you grocery shop."

As I was driving back to the office, I realized that I did have a sign on my back, it says "Old Maid." Here in Utah, especially Utah County, it is often concluded that something must be wrong with girls here who are not married and/or popping out children by the time they are 21.

Uh oh... here comes Shenequah. Let me tell you something. I am single and happy, and I would much rather be that way than be married to who he-who-shall-not-be-named and be miserable within the first year. Sometimes it is challenging to think that I would be married right now and I still love the thought of getting married but I refuse to settle with someone just because I am labeled as an "Old Maid."

In Utah, finding any kind of normal 21-30 year old man who has a good head on his shoulders and is willing to seriously date a non-mormon girl has been challenging. I have decided that my best option in finding he-who-will-permanently-rip-the-"Old Maid"-sign-off-my-back is to look out of state. So, I may not be on the prowl at WalMart or at the gym (where they are pleasing to the eye but painful to the ears) in Utah, but you bet your ass I'm on the prowl EVERYWHERE ELSE!

Okay, okay... I'm kidding. We all know that I'm still on the prowl in Utah, and we all know that I will find the sign-ripper when I'm ready. So... until then, I suppose I'll decorate my condo, torture Roxy with loads of cat-nip, and make lots and lots of money. :o)

My First Blog Post... Wahoo!

7:00 a.m. : DING DONG DINGGGGGGG!!! DING DONG DINGGGGG!!!! Initial thought and more often than not, the first word of my day..."EVIL!" I glare at Roxy and then throw the 4 blankets off of my still freezing body. My apartment is apparently impossible to keep warm in the insane November temperatures of Utah.

7:07 a.m. : I shower and attempt to recall my regular bizarre, colorful, often creepishly accurate portrayals of my current mental and emotional state (some call them dreams).

7:20 a.m. : I blow dry my hair in an upside down position. Sometimes the rush of blood to my head makes me happy. Ah... the things we do for beauty. And volume.

7:40 a.m. : I curl my hair as I think about what life would be like if I woke up to someone or something else besides Roxy. Not that Roxy isn't a great roomate, but often I get so lonely that my stomach aches.

7:50 a.m. : I open my closet door, pull some jeans off of the hanger and slip them on over my "curvy" figure (some jerk told me I was curvy last week... I graciously smiled and as he walked away I shot him a flesh burning stare, wishing all the bad energy in the world to flood over his CURVIER body and guilt him into agony from the inside out). Aside from the curvy thing, I am ecstatic because I finally talked my boss into letting me wear denim at the office on a regular basis. Actually, I lied. It wasn't really a discussion... I just decided to test the waters for a few days and when he didn't say anything, I secretly rejoiced at all of the new options I had created. I fight Roxy off of my leg as she tries to climb up my jeans to get me to hold her. I get annoyed and pick her up and cradle her as I look for something cute to fit over my GINORMOUS (and growing) boobs. Ugggghhhh.

8:10 a.m. : I shove some type of food in my mouth, often something that is regarded in normal society (A.K.A. my mom) as "abnormal breakfast food". Depressed at the thought of leaving my kitty home all day, I bolt out the door into the bitter cold to make my half-hour commute south.

8:35 a.m. : I am five minutes late to work. Always. It's a good thing that no one at my office cares. :o) I gather my bags and my recently-beloved coffee and head into the building. I check the parking lot for my boyfriend, Tyler's black BMW. Let me clarify... he doesn't actually know he is my boyfriend YET, but I'm in the process of working that out. He's this RIDICULOUSLY handsome guy that works in my building- who I always secretly hope to run into in the hallway but rarely do. It's tragic. Let's cry. C'mon... cry with me! I've been a fan of throwing pity parties lately but I figure it's ok because I recognize that I am being a baby and I recognize that I have a choice to be in that space. And let's admit it... sometimes it just feels SOO good to have a little pity party and give yourself the gift.... of CHOCOLATE!

Sidetracked.

8:35 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. : It's a blur.

5:30 p.m. : I have a love/hate relationship with 5:30 p.m. I am excited to be out of the 1980's chair that my boss insists on keeping at my desk so that I can go to the Chiropractor for my tight back and neck CAUSED by that 1980's chair that he loves. I am [------] this close to swapping it out for his chair and leaving a note that says "Since you love this chair so much, I decided to let you sit in it all day." It may not be pretty, I know. It's just a thought.

Sidetracked.

Often I go straight home to say hello to Roxy, change out of my high heels into the best purchase of my life- my UGG boots. For those of you who dislike UGG boots, I highly reccommend that you go to Nordstrom and try some on in your size on a cold, snowy Utah day. You will immediately regret all of the mean comments you ever made about them and look around to see if anyone notices you buying them. They could quite possibly be the greatest shoe ever invented... not because of their looks but because they are soft and they are the only shoes that have ever kept my feet at a perfect temperature in literally ANY climate.

My latest project has been to get my Life Insurance license. This requires disgusting amounts of memorization about Insurance... which I had no clue about until a month ago. I don't even pay my own insurance so I am literally starting from scratch. My friend Nick just gave me a better book than the one that I have been studying with so hopefully it will assist me in passing the exam... and motivate me to actually study for the exam. I hate studying- hence my full time job and incessant nagging from the parentals about how I should just go back to school and get a degree... ANY degree, for the price of college will surely continue to rise.

I realize that my life and blog may sound slightly depressing, however I have not been depressed up until the recent snow storm, which was yesterday. My focus this last year has been bettering myself and the vehicle I chose to assist in facilitating that shift is called The Great Life Foundation. It is an organization that I am passionate about because it changed my life. I donate much of my time to Great Life because there, I make a difference. It not only changed my life but everytime I go there I witness miracles in others' lives. I have met some of my very best friends through Great Life and I know that I will meet many more. I learned that I am a POWERFUL creator and that I have choice.

You will learn this about me: I am a loving, trusting, worthy woman and I inspire life.